The One Thing I Hate

This is a post i forgot to put up way back after the Cyclone:

If there is one thing I utterly detest in this world when concerning the relationships that people share with each other is the act of a Man beating a Woman into a semblance of submission and fear. It is one thing I will not tolerate.

This is what is happening to me at this point in time. There’s a young couple in church who – during the hurricane, had an argument and the wife was beaten severely by her husband. When I saw the extent of her injuries, I was appalled and disgusted that this could happen to one so young. When I say that they are young, I mean, they are my age. The thing that has me in a twist is that the boy has a position in the church that is very important and requires tact in managing. When I saw his wife, I was all in for him being stood down from his position and being replaced by someone who was more balanced in his family life. Of course I didn’t actually voice that opinion to mum and dad because it wouldn’t be fair for me to do so.

Right now they’re having music team rehearsals and I’m sick just looking at his ugly mug. I mean it, this boy is a no looker for good reason – he’s just plain ugly. I’m not being biased in saying that, it’s true. I’m not beating around the bush when I say that he is one ugly “fothermucker”. Gawd, I really detest him right now. From the moment I first met him, I just knew that there would be something about him I would come to hate and that premonition just came true. I detest this boy for the mere fact that he beat his wife after an argument. Argh!

Gets my blood boiling. In fact when I do post this, it’s not going in as a perspective, no I’m making it a full rant.

The funny thing is that since I’m so good at wearing masks, I can be cool around him but deep inside I’m boiling with resentment for him and what he’s done. People might tell me that it’s nothing to do with me, but what happens if he does it again and she dies??? Do we then step in at that minute??? Prevention is better than cure in my opinion and it applies very much into this instance. If I have to threaten him, I will. I will not accept someone who will stoop that low as to beating someone unable to defend herself. If it was a woman beating a man, I’d be ok with that; but vice versa??? HELL TO THE FCUKING NO!!!

The sad thing about this is that I can never again look at him with the respect I once had for him. Now, all I see is a wife beater and it’d take a miracle to change my mind about him. I’m hoping to let mum know this so that at least she’ll understand how I will be acting to this particular boy (I call him boy because he’s not worth me naming him a man… fcuk that shit)

That’s about it for me, now. I might come up with another rant soon if I’m not done getting angry with the bloody bastard.

Trouble in MY paradise

Gawd, it just seems like nothing in my life will ever get any easier for me. This move to Savusavu has just made it even more important for me to move out and find my own life, by my self and without mum and dad hanging on my shoulders. Everything I am, what I choose, and wherever I go; it’s all scrutinized by them and they just have to have a say in everything. The older I get, the more sacrifices I’m expected to make. I’m almost 25 and mum wants me to share a bedroom with Navi. I’m sorry, I love my family and all my cousins but there is no way in hell that I will share my personal space with them. She of all people should know that. Well, she’ll see for herself just how stubborn I can be. Then there’s dad. Always has an excuse for everything.

The arrangements for a new house should have been made by now, but he’s busy playing host to every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes through here. I want us to get to a cleaner, healthier house; I want my own space; I want this bloody computer to be fixed up so I can watch my movies in the privacy of my bedroom. I want my own things.

I can’t keep expecting to sacrifice my life so that theirs is a little less hassled. Fuck that shit!

If I get into the Oxfam program, I’m gonna learn everything I can; get all the accreditation I can achieve from it and get a good job, with a good pay and flat out. I need to have this for myself or I will die bitter and unsatisfied.

I won’t put up with this anymore! If things don’t start moving faster, I’m not gonna help with any sermons, meeting plan prep, and singing – NOTHING! I will draw the line as to where I fit in this scheme of things. I will not be made a fool of in my own life.

So there.

thinking out loud [part 2]

Ok, so I have one month to find a job or “face the wrath” of my brother… the thought itself is depressing because my mind is starting to go into overdrive looking at the worst case scenarios. I’ve spent the last two hours brooding it over and crying and now I’m tired.

What I’m gonna do today is go online and check out what exactly is needed for our NZ residence visa applications and also send out an SOS for help in job searching. I’ll check out the YPCN website too for job search stuff.

Email Tiri and find out if its not too late to join the NICE project (or maybe take over from her since she’s swamped with her job already) and also keep a firm ear out for COMBI work related stuff. I have to reapply with Peter May @ FBCL for the journalist position (again) – which is email first then call up (from DHQ) and ask if he’s received it and when can I come in for another meeting. Be firm!

I’m gonna be sacrificing a lot of stuff to make this work like PV, I think that I’ll just have to concentrate on SCGC for this year and make the commitment work. I’ll explain this all to Jason, he’ll understand.

Do a SWOT analysis on myself, get others to fill one on me and compare it.

Worse comes to worse, I’m gonna seek professional counselling for my depression and dark moods.

I won’t be able to attend any camps anymore, that’s another sacrifice (unless it’s the NICE training sessions and I might get a little pay from that). If an offer comes up to audition as a radio announcer, grab it and run with it, don’t care which station, just work it out, get paid and give the money to mum and dad.

Buy scratch cards and see how much I can win (fingers crossed for $30,000)

Fucked if I care about church right now. I’m gonna live for me and no one else. God forgive me but I need to do this, I can’t be bothered with the petty politics that flow from that area in my life.

thinking out loud

I might have to ask the Champs for help with arranging for a new passport. Since no one at home’s interested with me or with what I’m doing so I’ll just do it my way. Last night I found out that what I do or choose to do doesn’t matter at all, it’s pointless to try and get them to understand my choices or reasons. Personal capacity building is something that won’t be of any good for me because they can’t understand it. I think when it comes to us going for the camp; I won’t say a thing to them, and just go. Let them think what they want. I’ll bar my phone so they can’t reach me.

How did things end up looking like this? It hurts when I realise that they’ve been discussing me behind my back. How I could have endured it all this time is surprising. The worst thing is that they have no idea what they’re doing to me. It’s hurting me so much to feel their scorn and their snipes. When they’re angry with me, it hurts me even more. And all they can say is if they didn’t want me to feel bad from their anger, then I needed to stop doing things that took me away from home e.g. the choir and the champs.

Once, they were proud of my achievements, happy that I was doing something great for them.

The thing about them talking about me behind my back is something that really hurts. Why would they do that to me? Obviously, they don’t care about me enough to consider my feelings on the matter. They’ve made decisions about what to do without considering my input or say. All they care about is achieving their own aims. They gang up on me and never consider my problems. Because they’re not problems, they’re just excuses.

They don’t realise that it’s increasingly hard for me to find a job because I can’t find something that suits my interests. I wanna work somewhere that is flexible, pays well and allows me to travel. But there’s no chance of that. I’d have better luck sleeping with several guys in a week to make enough money to pay the bills that these guys keep sprouting out.