thinking out loud

I might have to ask the Champs for help with arranging for a new passport. Since no one at home’s interested with me or with what I’m doing so I’ll just do it my way. Last night I found out that what I do or choose to do doesn’t matter at all, it’s pointless to try and get them to understand my choices or reasons. Personal capacity building is something that won’t be of any good for me because they can’t understand it. I think when it comes to us going for the camp; I won’t say a thing to them, and just go. Let them think what they want. I’ll bar my phone so they can’t reach me.

How did things end up looking like this? It hurts when I realise that they’ve been discussing me behind my back. How I could have endured it all this time is surprising. The worst thing is that they have no idea what they’re doing to me. It’s hurting me so much to feel their scorn and their snipes. When they’re angry with me, it hurts me even more. And all they can say is if they didn’t want me to feel bad from their anger, then I needed to stop doing things that took me away from home e.g. the choir and the champs.

Once, they were proud of my achievements, happy that I was doing something great for them.

The thing about them talking about me behind my back is something that really hurts. Why would they do that to me? Obviously, they don’t care about me enough to consider my feelings on the matter. They’ve made decisions about what to do without considering my input or say. All they care about is achieving their own aims. They gang up on me and never consider my problems. Because they’re not problems, they’re just excuses.

They don’t realise that it’s increasingly hard for me to find a job because I can’t find something that suits my interests. I wanna work somewhere that is flexible, pays well and allows me to travel. But there’s no chance of that. I’d have better luck sleeping with several guys in a week to make enough money to pay the bills that these guys keep sprouting out.